As humans why is it that we feel we need to get back at each other. Or push each other away, or maybe even abandon them all together. Originally this journal was never intended to be anything "emo" like, I swear. But it seems like things just keep taking a turn for the worst when I think they're getting better.

I feel as though not very many people like me. Even if I have tons of friends. Maybe this is just a complex from my dad abondoning me. And even though I try to get ahold of him and have him in my life, he lies and never returns phone calls or letters.

I'm to the point of giving up on it all, and just loosing all links with him. I mean he obviously dosn't want to be around me, why waste my time. Am I right?

I try to make sure everyone feels comrfortable around me, I try to make everyone happy, and in turn I make myself miserable and they end up turning on me, then lying about it.

I joined drama this year because I thought I would have lots of fun with it. I thought...maybe I could make new friends. Maybe, I could be happier being around others more, instead of going home to no one for five hours then arguing with my mom.

ANd it was great at first. And when I decide to take a few days off, I get calls saying I might get kicked out of the show. And saying they got the number from one of my "friends" yes they said a name.

It wouldn't have made me so mad if they had just called my house, but no, my "friend" gave my friends numbers around and they were playing a game of catch me if you can calling all of her numbers. And asking for me specifically and saying my "friend" gave them the number.

And then when I comfronted her about it she had the nerve to lie to me like i'm stupid and say that they needed extra stage crew and were asking if they knew people who could help, hence they called my friend.

This would be balieveable if they hadn't asked for ME specifically.

So now i'm probably going to get kicked out because i've missed three rehersals, though others who are still in the show have missed way more.

And i'm probably going to loose a "friend" because this isn't the first time she's done crap like this to me. And I seriously don't need it.

I also need new clothes, but of course we can't afford it, even if it is MY money i'd be using. And my mom's getting mad because I need new clothes and i'm asking. I mean I had to pay for my own clothes this year and all I could afford to buy myself was two shirts and two pairs of pants. Then I've had to recycle all my clothes from past years.

She's getting pissed because i'm asking for something I need, even if I am buying them for important use.

And I try not to compare myself to my cousins but it's so hard sometimes. I mean they have absolutly everything including $400 each in school shopping money for clothes. And I have nothing. notta. zip. diddly squat.

They have parents who both want to be a part of their lives.

They get whatever they want. And when they do do something wrong it either gets blamed on me. Or they didn't mean it.

I'm getting sick of it. And I wish I had another home to go to, but I stop and relize no one wants me there either.

So i'm stuck and there's nothing I can do about it.

The end.

Sorry for such a long journal...maybe you care maybe you don't...

If you do...thank you. You're one of the rare that do

If you don't. Don't worry i'm use to it

Bye